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Blogging From: Caribou Coffee

What: Coffee Shop Franchise

Where: Ashburn, VA

I’m not trying to be mean- really, I’m not a mean person- but I’ve been here for all of five minutes and I hate this place. It’s a total wannabe indie cafe and it’s trying way too hard. I should have known this would be a subpar coffee shop when I asked what was in the White Peach Berry Smoothie and the cashier told me she didn’t know because it was pre-made. I mean, sure, it tastes pretty good but god only knows what’s in it. I’m going to guess a lot of fake sugar because no real fruit is this sweet. “Fruit” smoothie my butt. Don’t call it what it’s not, Caribou Coffee.

There’s free wi-fi here and besides myself, there are a bunch of other people working on laptops, but I’m honestly wondering if they are having the same amount of trouble concentrating as I am because the crappy music in here is so loud I can barely hear myself think. The song playing right now sort of sounds like an extremely mediocre version of Jack Johnson that should just never be played at all, let alone at the excruciatingly painful volume they have it blasting.

This place makes Starbucks look appealing.

Since I’m on a total complaining roll right now, I’ll take this opportunity to point out the obnoxiously loud employees conversing about why their is toilet paper near the coffee grinder. One of the baristas just asked another, “Why is their toilet paper over here?”

“I don’t know,” the other replied to her.

Maybe it’s because this place is crap. I think you should take the toilet paper as a sign.

It’s going to sound like I came here just to secretly listen in on all of the Caribou Coffee employees’ conversations, but since we’re on the subject and they are talking so loudly that it would be impossible for me to not hear them let’s recap another excruciatingly embarrassing conversation that just took place:

Employee one: Hufflepuff? What’s Hufflepuff?

Employee two: Ew, don’t talk to me about Hufflepuff. I don’t even like Hufflepuff.

Employee one: I don’t even know what Hufflepuff is.

Employee two: Hufflepuff is like…happy people. I’m a Gryffindor.

Excuse me, but first of all, happy people? Happy people? What is that even supposed to mean? Have you even read Harry Potter? Clearly you have not. The essence of The Hufflepuff House goes much beyond your vapid description. Second of all, according to Pottermore, I’m a Hufflepuff and you have greatly offended me, you ignorant Harry Potter Fool. Hmph!

There’s not much else for me to say about Caribou Coffee. I could certainly point out plenty of other shortcomings but I’d rather not since I can’t wait to finishing writing this and get the hell out of here. Nice knowing you, Caribou Coffee. NOT!

Is this a good place for reading or writing? If you bring earplugs.

Minus Points: Inability to spell.

Come again?

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